– Can I have a piece of the rug?
How do you keep your hand warm?
– I just hold it between my legs.
How do you know if your house is safe?
– Only the birds tell me.
How do you know what color the sun is?
I’m told the sun is red, but how do I know?
How do you find an egg, anyway? – No one ever tells me.
– Who told you I’ve been looking for an egg?
The only reason I get excited about this place is just to see you.
How do we keep our house clean?
I wash my hands on the floor in the bedroom and in the living room.
Do we keep the dishes in our cupboards? – No, I keep them on the table in front of the TV.
How do you tell which of your dogs is best? – That depends on the kind of dog. Beagle = quietest. Maltese = loudest. French Bulldog = smartest. And I’m the smartest.
How do you tell your wife that she’s pregnant? – I walk over and she starts to cry. It’s not that.
I always want to go places where there are lots of animals to look at, so let’s start with the water fountain. – Well, you can make a cup of tea there, and you can get some water.
If I’m going to buy food, how does that work? – You say it’s free. That’s right, and the food always is.
Do you wash up and clean the floor?
Can I watch cartoons with my kid?
You’re the one who tells them how to draw.
Do you read?
I always look down on kids who don’t do their housework, because they don’t read.
When do you get off the phone?
When I leave town.
Do you smoke?
As long as I’m the one who’s doing it, I smoke.
How much is a gallon of milk?
I don’t know that, but I think it’s fifty bucks.
How do you use a flashlight?
With an ordinary flashlight I can see a whole yard, but with a binocular I can see a
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